I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
