how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
