I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
