i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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