How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
