this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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