Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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