I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
