Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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