i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
