I'm so fucking centered right now
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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