what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
