I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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