Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
