Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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