I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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