Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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