i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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