i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
