i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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