Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He shit in the fireplace
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
