there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i dont even know how to be here
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize