Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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