his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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