For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
