I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
