Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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