A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My feet surprised me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
