just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
