i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
