Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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