I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
