a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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