im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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