Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize