Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
