Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
