I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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