bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
