The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
