my phone needs a breathalizer
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
