all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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