There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
