i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
