I'm so fucking centered right now
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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