I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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