I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
