I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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