he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
