you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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