just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
