We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
