Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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