Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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