Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I need water and some morals
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
