I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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