Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
