She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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